The Hungarian Student, 1958 (3. évfolyam, 1-2. szám)
1958-10-01 / 1. szám
come centers for the teaching of the Grúzián scientific language. Insurance companies have stopped writing insurance and now occupy themselves with Fornatum hybrid counting. No one as yet knows the significance of the Fornatum system, including the Russians. We shall keep pace at least in this field. “From now on candidates for President of the USA must be university presidents, or at least deans. Eisenhower, former president of Columbia University, who was eligible to run again after his four-year vacation from the White House, has been elected president.” “May 2, 1970. The remaining five farmers in the United States were seized by the police and compelled to enroll in a course in ultratonic radio waves. This means, of course, that from now on not only will we be deprived of industrial goods but also farm produce .. . but naturally we have to keep up with the Russians. It has been made obligatory, effective today, for adults to watch the educational television programs beginning at midnight and lasting until six a.m., heretofore compulsory for children only." “....1975. Dramatic news. A reporter from Mine magazine ran into a group of old men on the slopes of the Ural mountains who from all outward appearances were woodchoppers. Because he was not familiar with the Russian language, he set up a complicated quadratic equation on a scrap of paper and handed it to the man with the longest beard. The fellow meditated for a moment. Then he took out a stub of a pencil, solved the problem, and handed the paper back to the reporter. There are photographs to prove this. “As he looked at the surprised face of the reporter, the old man muttered aloud. The American jotted down the sounds phonetically. They probably mean that the Russian was surprised that the American was surprised that he solved such a simple problem so quickly. These are the Russian words of the simple woodchopper: ‘Ich war Universitats professor der methematik an der technische Hochschule in München. Seit dem Ende des Zweiten Weltkrieges binn ich hier. Konnten Sie mir nicht eine Kippe geben?’ “As he spoke he extracted a cigarette from the reporter’s coat and went away in tears. How far we have traveled from these simple woodchoppers. . . . These people do not smoke; they study. “One day later. The cigarette industry unanimously voted to tear down its buildings. Universities will be erected in their place. Until we reach the Russian’s level of development, we shall have only discarded butts to smoke. I hope they last until then....” “....1980. Verdicts. The Supreme Court upheld the verdict of a lower court making the penalty for delinquency a fifteen-year prison sentence. The case in question concerned three amoral boys who at the age of six were unable to describe the construction of a space ship. “An 103-year-old woman was sentenced to the electric chair because she was actually unwilling to learn the theory of Planck’s constant. Since all electric plants have been abandoned, it was necessary for the president of Yale University to strangle her with his own hands.” “February 20, 1987. At last good news. The university founded on the site of the Vocony Sacuum corporation has developed a space ship which can travel to the constellation Cassiopeia and back in two days. “ .... perhaps, perhaps we have in certain respects caught up with the Russians. We are somewhat hampered by the fact that there are no workmen available in this country to produce the inventions which are designed on the drawing board.” “ .... 1997. I have no paper left. No cigarettes. I am writing with lampblack. There is nothing to buy any more. But no matter. We are developing. We are going ahead.” “March 19, 1998. I am studying like mad. Cosmology, semantics, qualitative analysis. A brigade of university professors and janitors are examining the entire state of Connecticut as if it were one continuous campus, and liquidating those who cannot answer random questions. We develop.” “December 31, 1991. Everything is over. I received a newspaper from Mongolia. I don’t understand how it got here, since all communications have been cut for years. “Again, I must say it’s over. The Russians have invented and made it possible for the common man to own the following items: first, a metal contraption which moves on four wheels and in which it is possible to travel. Second, a box which generates cold by electricity, and which will preserve food indefinitely. Third, another box into which soiled textiles are placed to emerge thoroughly cleaned. Last, but not least, still another box which contains a glass window through which one can see moving scenes and events, which they call televisonszkovics. “In vain, in vain, in vain. We will never catch up with the Russians.... ” October 1958 21
