Calvin Synod Herald, 1982 (82. évfolyam, 1-6. szám)
1982-04-01 / 2. szám
CALVIN SYNOD HERALD — 7 — REFORMÁTUSOK LAPJA social behavior “in the human community, ” with economic questions and with “the freedom given by God to human beings to take responsibility for their actions. ” The Rev. Dr. Beverly W. Harrison, professor of Christian ethics at Union Theological Seminary, stressed the justice issue in her presentation. “Much of the theological and moral defense of abortion is predicated on the belief that most women C. Murray Parkes, a noted authority on grief, defines it as “a process of making psychologically real an event which is not desired and for which coping plans do not exist.” Over twenty years as a funeral director has convinced me that virtually no one is really prepared to accept the loss of someone near and dear. Even instances of long, difficult terminal illness does not prepare the survivors for the final shock of parting and immediate loss. What is grief that makes it such a terrible burden, a burden common to all of us at one time or another? Can the elements of grief be described and defined in such a way that we can look at its many and complex facets which combine to make such a terrible and frightening experience for us. Grief, in essence, is the attempt we make both psychologically and physically to adjust to the absence of one dear to us. Dr. James R. Hodge, a psychiatrist at Akron City Hospital, cites ten different stages of grief, these stages will vary in length and intensity with the individual, but all are experienced to a greater of lesser degree: Shock and Denial—“I just don’t believe •i »» The non-acceptance, overwhelming feeling of disaster and often physical symptoms of shock. Emotional Release—“I just can’t stop crying.” A normal reaction and emotional release. Tension is relieved by the opportunity to express grief to family and friends during the course of the funeral. Loneliness—“Without him, I might as well be dead!” A feeling of emptiness following the funeral, when friends and family return to their own lives. Loneliness, isolation and depression become more intense. It may take months to get over this period in the grief process and to move on. Pain—“I just can’t bear it!” Anxiety and loneliness create both emotional and physical pain. If the physical signs continue for a long period, professional help should be sought. have freedom-of-choice conditions and those conditions are being revoked, ” she contended. “This is not true. We must understand that safe elective surgical abortion is assured to only a few women who are largely white and largely affluent.” Barriers to freedom of choice were raised by a number of other consultation participants as well. Participants in the meeting vowed to continue to defend a woman’s Panic—“Oh, What am I going to do?” It may become difficult to concentrate, to make decisions, a feeling of losing control, both of yourself and events. Guilt—“I should have done more for him." Realistic or unrealistic guilt is a frequent problem. We blame ourselves for doing or not doing various things for the one who has gone from us. A meaningfull funeral service often helps with this problem, but unresolved guilt may require further help from an understanding clergyman or other professional. Anger—“Oh, God, why me?” After dealing with our personal guilt, it becomes natural to look for someone else to blame. Hostility (often subconscious) may develop toward members of the family, friends, family doctor or even towards the deceased. It is best to disclose these feelings to a tolerant and sympathetic listener. Depression—“Will life ever be worth living again?” A feeling of weariness develops from depression and frustration. Suffering in silence seems easier than socializing, but causes harm. Getting involved outside the home and talking with friends who listen will help. Healing—“I now realize the meaning of friends.” Through the affection and encouragement of family and friends, a newer vision of life will, in time, unfold. A new purpose comes into life. Readjustment—“Knowing I’m living again would please him.” The acuteness of the death diminishes in time, it becomes possible to recall the deceased, not with great pain, but with pleasure and some hopes for the future become realistic. While the steps outlined may seem like a sterile sort of review of grief, it is meant only to show the various stages which we all must go through. What can we do when grief comes to us to help alleviate some of the worst aspects of it: Consult with your clergyman and funeral director; allow them to assist you with suggestions and advice on matters of immediate importance. They are both skilled in helping during this first difficult time. Rely on family and friends for support, they wish to help and need only to be asked. A word of caution, however. Much unsolicited and often erronious advice is offered, do not make hasty decisions without securing competant advice. Over the years I have seen many recently bereaved who develop an attitude of “Me against the world.” This is both unfortunate and often tragic since help is available through clergy, funeral director, physician and many support groups. They are all anxious to help. Don’t be alone with your cares, they simply magnify and become that much harder to deal with. Aside from various grief support resources, a relatively new concept of “Death and Dying” seminars has gained wide acceptance. Sponsored by churches, schools or other groups, people are given an opportunity to discuss all of these subjects with clergy, funeral directors, social workers and others who have broad knowledge of grief problems. A great deal can be learned about how to meet the common problems of death and grief. I strongly urge you to attend such sessions before the crisis of death occurs. Death is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new dimension of life. If we learn and prepare, it makes the burden a little lighter. * * * SUGGESTED HELPFUL READING Death, The Final Stage of Growth, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Prentice-Hall, Inc. You and Your Grief, Dr. Edward N. Jackson, Hawthorne Books, Inc. Good Grief, Granger E. Westberg, Fortress Press. Living When Loved One Has Died, Dr. Earl Grollman, Beacon Press. * * * THE AUTHOR Donald E. Paulin, a Licensed Funeral Director for over twenty years, attended Hiram College, Western Reserve University and Pittsburgh Institute of Mortuary Science. He is associated with the Potti Funeral Homes of Fairport Harbor, Painesville and Madison, Ohio. A Funeral Director Views Some Aspects of Grief right to have an abortion and to enlarge their approach to the issue to work against economic and social conditions that impinge on women’s control over their own bodies. The consultation was sponsored by the 1.8 million member United Church of Christ’s Board for Homeland Ministries, Coordinating Center for Women in Church and Society and Office for Church in So-, ciety.
