Verhovayak Lapja, 1940. január-június (23. évfolyam, 1-26. szám)

1940-03-14 / 11. szám

March 14, 1940

Page 8

376 HERALD

Verhovayak Lapja.

JOHN "DIRK” FtILOP, JR,

Thru the instigation of a character known as THE SHADOW I recently composed a dissertation on mustaches. These compositional endeavors found their way to print in the “Lapja,” much to my surprise and anticipation.

Now that phantasmagoric figment of ectoplastic nothingness, known as THE SHADOW, again requests an essay concerning the same subject. In particular his request was that I should elucidate concerning the proper procedure in the nurturing of a mustache.

I am going to fulfill his request for reasons unknown even to myself. Perhaps it is because of my utter fear of the supernatural of which THE SHADOW is a power ful exponent. Or maybe it is because of my lovable nature which doesn’t permit me to refuse anybody anything. At any rate I am going to do it.

But before I begin I should like to warn you to read at your own risk because the results of these compositional calisthenics are more doubtful than the outcome of a "Crap game,” when you really come down to it, though a game with the “Mississippi Marbles” can end in only three different ways. The first way is for some one of the contestants to get a “Hot hand” and “take everybody else to the cleaners”.

The second way that a game of “Harlem Tennis” terminates is the appearance of the ’’Strong arm of the Law” with the general dispersment of all. The third way for a dice game to end is the detection of one of the combatants substituting his own pair of “Eones” for the “Galloping Dominoes” originally being used.

This latter method really ends with everyone engaging in fisticuffs. When I write it can result in anything, so here goes.

MUSTACHIAL MISINFORMATION PART II

The Cultivating and Nurturing of a Mustache

In commencing this... this .. a ... a ... “thing” we immediately became aware of an interrogatory barrier that must be overcome in order that we may proceed properly. The barrier consists in the following questions: Who can grow a mustache? Why are mustaches grown and how are they grown?

The first query can be answered briefly, and the answer to the last will make up the major portion of this thesis.

Who can grow a mustache? Any one having reached the age of reason and maturity. (Or maybe just maturity), and who is neither fish, fowl, or feminine.

Why are mustaches grown? “Mussies” are grown for the following reasons: As physiognomic ornamentation, to imitate someone as a sign of affection, as an auxiliary in the captivating of feminine hearts, to brush away lip stick when engaging in osculation, and to strain soup (that last reason just leaked out of this typewriter, I had no control over it).

Suppose in order to instruct the mustache harvester properly, we grow a theoretical “mussy”? Shall we? Well, I’m going to do it anyway. We will . grow the most common species, which is described thus: It will be in two

distinct sections, each segment originating under a nostril which thereafter slopes gently downward and sideways. When completed each section should resemble the timber-line on a lop-sided moun tain. (Don’t you get it? Well, it’s the type Alex Goydan brought back with him from “Magyaror szag”—his idea was to scare sharks and belligerent submarines away from the boat.)

In one way we are fortunate in growing this product because, whereas other agricultural projects depend upon climatical and terrestrial conditions for their wel fare, this facial adornment of hair is entirely independent in this respect. Dike the U. S. Mail it survives under all kinds of weather conditions.

The first thing to be done is to provide ourselves with a few gallons of hair tonic, a scissor, a magnifying glass, a ruler and a compass. The necessity of these implements will become apparent as we go along, but for the benefit of those who are mentally delapidated, I shall explain them here.

The tonic is to influence the hair into growing; the scissors is to amputate the surplus hair and keep it at proportional lengths; the glass to detect the first appearances of the hair; the ruler and compass are used to preserve the proper equilibrium and curvature.

After you have decided to grow some sub-nasal plumage you should not exert yourself very much. Do this In order to conserve your energy for the strenous task you have undertaken. Bach morning upon arising proceed to your mirror with the proper amount of optimism but do not become over confident. Arriving at the mirror grasp your magnifying glass and proceed to search the entire epidermal surface under the olefactory organism (“Schnoz”). If at first nothing happens do not become discouraged. Even if hair doesn’t appear for days don’t give up; instead keep saying to yourself the following, accentuating the word in capital letters: I WILD grow a mustache, I will GROW a mustache, I will grow A mustache, I will grow a MUSTACHE. And presto if a mustache appears you belong on the stage.

“Jost wan you are gatting disgosted wit de hul seechuwashun” fuzzy hair begins to appear. But do not become to exultant; there is much yet to be done. Procure some of the hair-tonic and gently massage each individual piece of embryonic hair, and do this daily until the hairs become strong and upright.

Another method that occured to me to instigate the growth of hair is to obtain a razor and run it across the barren surface and apply mild fertilizers entirely ig noring the amateurish advice of any old-timers.

If nothing happens after a few years of this, then send a letter to me telling of the sad details, and I will send you in return for the small remittance of 10c. a false mustache which looks more natural than a German bartender’s; more genuine than the mustache of the man to whom the fair maiden cries, “No, No, a thousand times NO,” and is better looking than Clark Gable’s.

You get all these qualities in one of my false “mussies” and if you don’t think that it is the best thing that ever happened:

We received the following interesting news items from the Service Bureau of the Radio Manufacturers Association, Washington, D. C.

SHORT-WAVE RADIO TO GIVE U. S. EMBASSIES UNCENSORED NEWS

So that our diplomats abroad may keep in touch with world news, without having to rely on the closely supervised Press of foreign countries, the State Department has arranged to purchase short-wave radio sets for 12 Embassies and Legations, the Associated Press reports. The countries are Belgium, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Greepe, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, The Netherlands, Rumania, Turkey and Yugoslavia. (It is interesting that, England, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, Spain are not mentioned.)

Thus, our diplomats there may hear direct by shortwave, the uncensored news of the United States.

* * * .

FIRST VATICAN POLISH NEWS CREDITED TO SHORT-WAVE RADIO RECEPTION

The Chicago Daily Times, through its short-wave editor, Mr. B. E. Lucas, obtained the first news in the United States by means of direct reception of the shortwave broadcast from Vatican City, denouncing Nazi atrocities in Poland. This accomplishment was credited to the Times by Oren Weaver, midwest news editor of the CBS chain in Chicago.

Speaking over Station WBBM, Mr. Weaver said news reports from Vatican City had “confirmed the story by which B. E. Lucas of the Chicago Times had scooped the entire nation when he broke the story of Nazi atrocities as reported by the, Vatican. The Times scooped the nation. We call that good reporting.” “Here’s orchids to Mr. Lucas.”

* * *

B. B. C. NEVER SLEEPS THESE DAYS

The British overseas wireless service is being maintained continuously. Britain is broadcasting day and night on a war basis to all parts of the world.

* * *

NEW MUSICAL THEME FOR BUDAPEST

The Hungarian Short-Wave Station HAT4 broadcasting on 32.88 meters, 9125 kilocycles, and HAS3 broadcasting on 19.52 meters, 15370 kilocycles is using a new signal of identification.

The new signal registered on film is composed of a fragment of the melody of the Rákóczi March. The fragment of the melody contained in the new signal of identification, is interpreted on the ancient Hungarian wind-instrument called the “tárogató.” t

Station HAT4 is on the air nightly at 7 p. m., Eastern Standard Time, and HAS3 at 9 o’clock in the morning.

* * *

HEARS GERMANY WARNING U. S.

A short-wave listener in Florida writes: “After everyone else here had gone to bed, I heard Germany giving a blast of advice to the United States on what might happen to us because of England’s fortifying Canada, especially with planes and airplane bases. He predicted the bombing of Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, etc. in the usual subtle German propaganda manner.

— JOSEPH A. MARKOVITS. *

if you are not satisfied then return the abbreviated toupee and your money will be refunded. Remember, only 10 cents.

By the way, one man was almost tempted to buy my mustache and was already handing me the dime when the lady on it started yelling, “Sucker,” and tried to crawl back into his pocket.

Few things are -better than friends; money, position, fame, won’t help you one whit if you need a friend, and you haven’t got one. You can’t buy them because bought friendships are like toy balloons—one pin prick, and they are gone

BRANCH 439 Johnstown, Pa.

In remembrance of a parent who died several days ago, was laid to rest Monday morning from the St. Emerick’s Church on 6th Avenue and Chestnut St. and left behind her children and friends.

Mr. Stephen Balogh, who mourned his mother’s death, excused himself from the meeting that was held Sunday to discuss the plans for the coming events.

Mr. Stephen Balogh is the Secretary and Treasurer of our Branch for the past 4 years and has done his duties faithfully. We of 439 dedicate this beautiful poem to his deceased mother.

The path by which we twain did go,

Which led by tracts that pleased us well,

Thro’ the sweet years arose and fell,

From flower to flower, from snow to snow;

And we with singing cheer’d the way,

And crown’d with all the season lent,

From April on to April went,

And glad at heart from May to May:

But where the path we walk’d began To slant the autumnal slope,

As we desended following Hope,

There sat the Shadow fear’d of man;

Who broke our fair companionship,

And spread his mantle dark and cold,

And wrapt thee formless in the fold,

And dull’d the murmur on thy lip.

And bore thee where I could not see

Nore follow, tho’ I walk in haste;

And think that, somewhere in the waste,

The shadow sits and waits for me.

—Alfred Lord Tennyson

Fraternally,

THE FOX-----------o----------Most of our troubles are temporary. But, of course, when we are in the black abyss of despair, we think trouble is never-ending. But it does end. Like good times and bad times—they only last so long.